Sunday, October 4, 2009

Dear Sunshine Coast

21. Address the public.
Revive the lost art of letter writing by addressing fellow citizens.

Dear Sunshine Coast,

Stop fucking touching my dog.

Believe it or not, I didn't get a dog so that I could talk to you every three steps. I did not get a dog so I could answer your mindless questions. Rest assured he has a name, a breed (which no, I will not repeat nor describe), he is either female or male (fine - male), and his age is about that.

When you touch my dog without asking, Sunshine Coast, I was to stick my finger up your nose. I think it will soon become obvious that the way you feel about my finger fondling your nasal passage is how I feel about you groping my dog. I.e. Grossly invaded.

Asking before going in for the pat is much nicer, and my answer will always be "yes", because I appreciate your manners so. In gratitude I will even respond politely to the previously mindlessness. It will be like falling in love with an extremely ugly man, when you find yourself overlooking his hideousness because you have grown a fondness for his endearing ways. I will overlook your inane questions in fondness for both your manners and my pup, who yes I do love dearly (but who is not ugly).

See? Totally cute pup (named Mr. Darcy)

Sunshine Coast, I have to say your stupidity astounds me when you put your fingers in my puppy's mouth and encourage him to tug of war with you while you ACTUALLY GROWL AT HIM. I don't know why you don't just walk up to my three-year-old and engage him in a quick nunchuck sparring session. Why not first teach him how to fashion his own nunchucks by tying my GHD straightener and curling iron together? I wonder if your puny brain thought so far ahead as to picture the shoes, toys, clothes and little three-year-old fingers living in my home that might find themselves victim to your little game.

Here's the thing. I don't like chit-chat. I avoid it at all costs. And just because I have a puppy, this doesn't mean I want to carry on about it. I have my stuff, dog included, you have yours. Let's just leave it at that.

LOOK- just stop fucking touching my dog.

Yours in constant irritation,


Friday, September 25, 2009

Australia: Where my unfinished business is at.

29. Place yourself.
create maps with any context you like

This work in progress is my map of the stuff I haven't done around Australia yet. One of the most shameful thing about Australians is that we don't do enough exploring of our own beautiful country. For some reason we all pack up and go to Europe, when we have so much to explore right here.

I can totally see myself travelling the country in a camper van, checking out all of the freakin' gorgeous places along the way. One day, one day...

View Where my unfinished business is in a larger map

Or link to:,135.878906&spn=45.179191,69.785156&z=4&msid=105512332884980301835.0004746f9168924009d44

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Morning with Heaven

6. Count your blessings.
Think about what's going right in your life, in your day, or just in general.

I woke up before him. He'd come in bed with me through the night, and the sight of him sleeping in the morning was nothing short of breathtaking. His skin is delectable. His face makes me want to smile-cry.

I touched my Man Cub's cheeks and forehead, and watched his mouth corners twitch.

I kissed his nose. I kissed it again.

Some curls stuck to his neck with sleep sweat, others softly fluffed up on top. I ran my fingers through them and he moved his head to the other side, disturbed.

The skin under his arms holds his first wrinkles. Faint pink lines, like on his palms, in the softest white skin. With his hands above his head, one nose tucked into his elbow pit, they were mine for the tickling. A gentle two-fingered stroke. Mouth corners twitched, gentle breath intake through the nose. I smiled again, involuntarily.

He still didn't rouse. I kissed his cheeks, chin, forehead, nose, shoulder. I ran my hands over his left arm from shoulder to wrist and examined his beautiful hands, never without dirt under his nails. I kissed his perfect pout, now with bottom lip jutted out and brow wrinkled with disturbance. His nostrils flared.

He looked like Heaven.

I took in one last breath of him. One last look at the one face I want to commit to memory forever. The one face I don't want to change, but can't wait to see what it looks like next. The one face I would choose to look at every day, forever, last.

Just when I thought he couldn't get any more captivating, his long black lashes fluttered open to reveal his shiny blue eyes. Then he smiled. His big smile with twinkling eyes, dimple and baby white teeth. And I knew his feelings mirrored mine.

He flung his little arm around my neck, "Mmm... Mummy!"

Monday, September 21, 2009

Sex = Baby

47. Promote truth.
"Outline ten truths you believe to be universal."

1. If you have sex, you WILL get pregnant.
2. Splitting the bill on a date is about the most tacky thing ever.
3. You should never be financially reliant on another person. You want money? Make it yourself, girls.
4. Natural birth is the most empowering thing any person can ever do. Nothing a mere male can even dream of doing could ever hope to measure up.
5. Clean teeth make you go faster.
6. You can always look better by walking away from the mirror, and coming back to look from another angle.
7. The weak run away. If/when they come back, they have gained some wisdom. If they stay, they have strengthened.
8. Regrets are useless. A step in the right direction will cure what ails you.
9. Fake tan fixes everything.
10. Farts are just about the funniest thing in the world. Especially when the joke is shared with a three-year-old.

Apparently no one cares...? Well FINE THEN.

My latest Amazon order is in, and included is Maggie Mason's No One Cares What You Had For Lunch; 100 Ideas for Your Blog. Well colour me inspired. As I am still finding my feet with the old bloggeroo, I thought it might be a fun and educational exercise to give every single idea in the book a good go.

There will be no lunch to speak of. There will be 100 blog posts in 150 days. (I figured blog posts in two out of three days was not too ambitious). I probably won't do them in order, but I will do them all eventually.

So let us begin. Tomorrow.